you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
