I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
