I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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