Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
