I hope mine doesn't look like that
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
