I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize