Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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