very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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