I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Terrible idea I love it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
