i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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