you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
