Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize