Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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