I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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