omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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