Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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