I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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