Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
