I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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