Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just invented taco cereal.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize