doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
