Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
