I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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