So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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