Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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