I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Houston, we have a blender
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
