onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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