i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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