my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
