I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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