I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just threw up on my dentist
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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