I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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