someone threw a dead crab at me
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
