Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
