Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
