Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
