dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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