I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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