I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
