It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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