You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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