if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
