hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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