The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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