both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
