Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
