Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Randomize