I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
