She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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