She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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