the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
