I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
