Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
