Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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