I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
