Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
