Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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