woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize