I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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