i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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