Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
